Approved COVID-Speak: What (and What Not) to Say

Good news for the socially anxious, but bad news for everyone else: Thanks to the strange new normal brought on by COVID-19, we're all a little socially awkward these days. It can be hard to know what — or what not — to say anymore. Plus, our collective experience of the pandemic has been described as a type of grief, so the stakes of saying the right thing are higher than before.

To help us all keep our feet out of our mouths, we asked the experts what to do. Here, a psychologist explains why your usual banter likely needs work, and an etiquette expert offers more appropriate alternatives.

DON'T: Ignore COVID altogether

In pandemic times, many of our go-to greetings — like "Hope you've had a great summer!" or "Hope this email finds you well" — can sound less friendly, even like an affront. It's human nature to catastrophize, or assume the worst, during a crisis, says Dr. Theo De Gagne, a psychologist in Vancouver . "People can look at that in a negative way and say, 'I did not have a good summer. It was terrible." The best approach? Can the canned messaging.

DO: Acknowledge the moment

For cold emails or anyone you don't know personally, Toronto-based etiquette expert Lisa Orr has the easiest fix: "My intro has changed from 'Hope this email finds you well' to 'Hope this email finds you well during these challenging times,'" she says. Even if you say nothing else about COVID, those four little words can do the job.

DON'T: Make assumptions

A seemingly innocuous "Stay safe and healthy!" sign-off, for example, is full of assumptions. "Some people don't feel safe or healthy," says Orr. Maybe the recipient of your message is caring for an ill grandparent or has a loved one who's a front-line worker. Likewise, "Are your kids complaining about wearing masks in class too?" is a very loaded question. If you don't know a person well enough to ask for details, skip any and all assumptions entirely.

DO: Listen instead

This was true pre-COVID and it's especially true now: "You don't know anyone's emotional state," explains Dr. De Gagne. The person could be sick, sad or grieving, and the last thing you want to do is accidentally make them feel worse. The easiest way to avoid this? Ask questions instead of making assertions. You can't go wrong with "How are you holding up?" and then listening.

DON'T: Avoid weighty topics

"Money and finances have always been taboo — even before this crisis — and a lot of people aren't doing well right now," says Orr. Now more than ever, we need to ask each other the potentially uncomfortable questions, provided we're willing to listen and be supportive. It's okay to ask your friend about her job (even if she's likely been let go); it's okay to ask your brother about his investment portfolio (even though the markets have been volatile). If you want to ask someone about their work, says Dr. De Gagne, do it, and be authentic and compassionate in your response.

DO: Open a dialogue

The tactful way to deepen your COVID conversations is to share your own experiences to open the door to dialogue. Be prepared for tough topics. "Sometimes people just need to vent and your job is to listen," says Orr. You should also reply, of course — even if it's just "I'm sorry to hear that," make sure you acknowledge their feelings and respond sensitively.

DON'T: Forget to reach out often

Technology enables us to stay in touch in spite of social distancing limitations — but some of us are reluctant to connect. "If you have the bandwidth to reach out and listen, you should," says Dr. De Gagne. A simple "just thinking of you" check-in, which doesn't necessitate a response, can work wonders in maintaining relationships with colleagues and friends. Meanwhile, if you need a sympathetic ear, it's perfectly okay to reach out and ask someone to lend one.

DO: Respect the usual workplace boundaries (and some new ones)

Yes, many people are perpetually at home and on their laptops, but no, that doesn't mean their availability has changed to full time or all-hours. All the rules of respecting time and space — plus some new ones (like never surprise-Zoom) — still apply, though Orr suggests offering people more deadline wiggle room than before. Try not to judge co-workers who need more flexibility than you do, she adds. "We're all doing our best right now," says Orr.